Nonmonogamy and Betrayal

A reflection on the many manifestations of broken trust in nonmonogamous relationships, and how to heal from them.

Nonmonogamy can assume many shapes, none of which can claim to be a “safe” model of intimacy. The jet-setting passport paramour who fits the needs of many far-flung lovers into a single carryon has as many opportunities to do right or wrong by their partners as the members of a homebound triad who prefer raising a family to raising hell on the nightlife scene.

Even the most casual of connections requires trust, and where there is trust, there is the potential for betrayal. As long as there have been love stories, there has been love lost through deception, abandonment, or callous disregard of intimate bonds. Intimacy, exclusive or otherwise, can be exploratory or confined, collaborative or autonomous, but one thing it can never be is risk free.

Yes, there is cheating in nonmonogamous relationships. There are other forms of betrayal, too: the cliquish injustices of in-group bullying, the violation of having personal information shared by a trusted partner, the humiliation of seeing someone who claimed to love you “trade up” for a partner with more social, sexual or plain old economic capital. Trust can be broken, and in turn break people, in a great number of ways.

In Nonmonogamy and Betrayal, Eve Rickert, co-author of More Than Two, Second Edition: Cultivating Nonmonogamous Relationships with Kindness and Integrity, explores a regrettable inclination among many who practise nonmonogamy: to downplay or minimize the destructive capacity of broken trust, both to the betrayed partner and to the larger community. Nonmonogamy and Betrayal not only unravels the varieties of betrayal that can occur in nonmonogamy, but explores pathways to recognition and healing.